


How does one have control

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: Dan is tired of waiting for something that doesn’t come





	How does one have control

There are days when Dan wakes up at 4 a.m. and contemplates life. His life and Phil’s life or life in general, as an abstract concept. It shouldn’t be abstract because Dan is alive, he’s very much aware that his heart is beating, that neurons in his brain constantly transmit various information, that his lungs fill up with air every few seconds and then his blood transports oxygen to other parts of his body.

He knows all of that but he has no control over it. Dan doesn’t like to have no control.

They are eating breakfast, this time not watching any anime. Dan isn’t sure why. They are eating in their kitchen in complete silence and it feels kind of weird, but also not.

“I want to have control over my life.”

He says it as if he was informing Phil that they need to buy more milk or that he’s going to spend his whole day playing computer games. His words don’t have any weight because they also don’t have any sense.

“What do you mean?”

Phil looks worried and Dan doesn’t like it. Why does he dislike everything? Why are there so many things that annoy him? Why can’t he just control his anger?

“Dan, what do you mean?”

Phil stretches out his arm above the table and touches his hand. It feels weird but Dan doesn’t know why.

“I don’t know what I mean. I never know what I mean.”

Phil presses his lips together. He isn’t sure what to say and Dan doesn’t blame him. He wouldn’t know what to say either.

“How long have you been sitting here before I woke up?”

Something drops in Dan’s stomach, like a heavy stone. It shouldn’t be a reality they live in. Phil shouldn’t know this thing about Dan. This shouldn’t be so familiar, like a film rewatched for the hundredth time.

“Four hours, I guess,” Dan says. He adds ‘I guess’ because he feels guilty and vagueness makes the whole situation less real.

Phil nods and his grip on Dan’s hand tightens a bit.

“Wake me up next time.”

This little thing could make Dan cry. It doesn’t happen only because he feels too numb. The sentence contains everything though, everything that is so wrong.

Phil doesn’t say ’you should have woken me up’, of course he doesn’t say that. He is too lovely and he has learned over the years, he won’t blame Dan for something if this would be unnecessary. Phil does know that it will happen again though, like a parent knows that their child is going to try to eat sand or dog’s poop when they leave the house next time.

Dan feels like a child that has no control. Sometimes it feels as if he would have no brain at all, just some wires and switches that randomly go on and off. He feels tired even though he tries to take care of himself. He feels angry without a rational reason. He feels sad even though nothing terrible happens. He feels happy and he doesn’t know why.

“Dan, what do you think about?”

Phil gets up and it must be a signal that it is bad. Dan doesn’t know why he thinks so. Phil comes up to him all the time, usually without a reason. What does his face show up in moments like this? Does Phil know how bad it is only by looking at Dan? He probably does.

Phil is right beside him and Dan is scared to look at him, so he leans over until his head touches Phil’s stomach. Phil buries his hands in Dan’s hair and strokes the top of his head in slow, gentle motions.

“You had a rough morning but I am here now.”

Phil’s voice sounds like cotton or silk, something soft and cosy, something delicate.

“I just want to have control.”

Maybe Dan should lower his expectations. Maybe he should accept things as they are. This is so fucking hard, after all these years, after years of trying and getting better, to accept that sometimes he has no control.

Phil backs off a little and Dan lets him do it.

“You have me.”

Phil kneels on one knee in front of Dan, as if he was a knight. He has only his pyjamas on but Dan can imagine the armour. He knows that it is there, that it is heavy and has a lot of gouges and scratches from all the times when Dan was trying to hurt him.

Dan would feel sorry and he would think about all those bad times but Phil is smiling now and his hands are warm when he lays them on Dan’s knees.

“Am I not a gift sent to you by the universe?” Phil asks and his face lights up even more and Dan has no other choice but to smile at him.

“Of course you are.”

Dan touches Phil’s face carefully, as if it was the most precious thing.

**Author's Note:**

> You can come and visit me on tumblr [lovestillaround](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)!


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